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The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

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funny but wrong so wrong!

*today's jokes have been supplied by one of my best gal pal's "B". LOL



Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili



JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.



JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.



FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili



JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.



JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.



FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili



JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.



JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.



FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.



Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic



JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.



JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.



FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?



Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover



JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.



JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.



FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!



Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety



JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.



JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.



FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!



Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili



JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.



JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.



FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili



JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.



JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?



FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

COMMENTS

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VAMPIREBLONDEE
15:20 Jan 29 2009

Thats a good one. My friend Don used to make chili in the chili cookoffs locally and he has that one memorized :) lol.

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A blonde man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church.

They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.



So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me."

The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.



The next week he showed up to work and his face was beaten really badly!

Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained,

"I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."



At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"



"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."

more stuff from my wonderful friends!



No Slack





An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying

to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for

clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn

out and depressed.



As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife

started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home

is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not

reheating it'. And on and on and on. (you know what I mean).



Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,

he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a

long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable

sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.



While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered

and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had

been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not

be hanged tonight.



Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she

decided go upstairs and give him the good news.



As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the

sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and

feet.



'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.



He whirled around and screamed,



'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

another one from my humorous friends on other sites. after all why should you all be denied their sense of humor?





One sunny day in late January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."



The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."



The old man said, "Okay, thank you", and walked away.



The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."



The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."



The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.



The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."



The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"



The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.



The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

COMMENTS

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birra
18:22 Jan 23 2009

Good one. :)

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NightBlossom
14:01 Jan 24 2009

Brilliant.

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moonkissed
17:24 Jan 24 2009

I know. I loved it too! i never tire of hearing it either.

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a friend sent me this:



Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?



Can you cry under water?





How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?



Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



What disease did cured ham actually have?



How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?











Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.



Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!



If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?



If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?



If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?



Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?



Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

COMMENTS

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NightBlossom
16:39 Jan 22 2009

Only because I'm bored:



1.) Government taxes

2.) Only if its salty.

3.) Bush would have been murdered.

4.) Yes, but they change your socks to pink penguins.

5.) Because its the only way they could figure out how to get people to stop trying to put he square peg in the round hole.

6.) Yeast infection with a cross of herpes.

7.) Cuz we is smert!

8.) Same reason they use the term, "eats like a bird" in reference to someone who doesn't eat a lot. They don't realize that birds consume at least twice their weight daily.

9.) Kitty!

10.) Shoplifting.

11.) Human intelligence strikes again.

12.) Cuz they have cameras for later. This way they look professional.

13.) Because it used to be tit-sling or over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder but then a richer man came up with bra. Keyword: man.

14.) Its for the fingers of the little kid that stuck his hand in your cookie jar and ate the last oreo.

15.) Same reason people say they don't liek drama but constantly start it.

16.) Yup.

17.) He was too busy screwing the Skipper.

18.) Pluto likes it up the butt and Goofy is happy to help. They got stuck like that.

19.) He's not the brightest now is he.

20.) Babies!

21.) No, mormons.

22.) Yup

23.) Practicing.

24.) Same reason that bra is singular.

25.) This is a creature that spends hours licking his nuts.

26.) Quit stalking me!





Sorry, I'm just really bored and have no life!

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my Aunt sent me this.



It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach..

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs

COMMENTS

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chrysanthemia
14:46 Jan 19 2009

hah! that was enjoyable. I love trivia.

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